That's my Granny! ~ yep, really.
(Metaphorically it's Me)
This new year has had a lot of good-byes. It's funny. Good-byes aren't easy for me. I am the kind of person who often gets hurt by good-byes. I know not everyone does. In fact, lots of very healthy people I know are quite good at it. Some people even are excited about good-byes as their is an element of change and growth around the corner. I suppose I am really good at timely good-byes. (Well I am in the process of integrating this, and to make it true, I am writing it out loud, winks) Ultimately, it's understanding that all good byes are timely. I think even when you don't think you are ready, for whatever reason, it is what life brought you, like it or not.. Life knows what is best, I suppose.
My resistance to good-bye could be a resistance to change. And so for that reason, embracing the lesson of good bye is probably much needed. In some of my recent good byes, I am seeing more of mySelf. Instead of just wandering off into the feeling, I am bringing the feeling a little more forward into beingness. I am allowing what I would dream about to become Me in a way. For that I am grateful. While immersed in the feeling, I was a bit frozen, like a doe in the headlights. Why did deep spiritual feeling "freeze me"? Well, I suppose over a millenia, I got desensitized to going so deep, perhaps it wasn't even physically safe for me to do so in my past?... So I became detached from mySelf in a way, when my Spirit would pull me deep into my own recesses. I got caught here for years. While frozen, it became difficult for me to write. Years ago, before this blog in which for the most part I was frozen. I welcomed the gift of automatic writing to pour through me. Divine Feminine would pour through my fingers in a sort of secret blog in a diary on my computer. I was new to computers back then... I foolishly back then was afraid of the words so foreign to what anyone I knew would understand in me, I deleted my precious writing.
I have spent a lot of this life inside of stuck. I never gave mySelf permission to be me FULLY. I don't know why exactly. I felt like I was inside the gel of a tomato seed that I just could not penetrate. It may seem cliche, but the great turn of the wheel as I call it, the Winter Solstice of this last year seemed to break open this seed for me.
As the dross dropped around my ankles recently, I just was less afraid. No matter how it sounds, I was afraid to be persecuted for being Me. It sounds utterly crazy. However, this energy was so deeply embedded in my cells, it did not have to make sense for me to understand it. It simply was. Some people might think me stuck on the merry go round of past lives. Indeed, I concur. I went through a melt down dark night of the soul as I was taught you call these things, back from my Catholic days describing where St John of the Cross went in his darkest hours to find the Light of his beloved which I sense in his belief system was Christ. In my terminology I would refer to as the Christ Within. This happened over the course of last year, and I appropriately ended this year, with a very uneventful veil drop-- the fearful energy just left. One day it was there, in fact, one morning it was there and by mid morning, it was gone. Interestingly enough, on the Winter Solstice no less. How is it one can be freed from a kind of prison of fear, only to find, it just leave? I dunno. So grand goodbyes like the ones this year is bringing~ Just gone. As this new year begins, situations and people that matched that fear, seem to be exiting... like it or not. Not them like it or not, they just left, me like it or not, accept, embrace, make peace.
It's odd. Suddenly things are easier. My clients are responding to me differently, not so polarized with the essence of wanting to be saved, wanting answers, wanting me to do the work-oh boy, yep, that dastardly mirror! Joyously, they are embracing more than ever, exploring their own path, and I just get to assist. Removing mySelf from knowing into sharing, wowza! I am responding to my clients differently. I am not as guarded. I have more time. I have better boundaries. Creating seems easy. I have this incredible retreat upcoming that I planned on a whim- a wonderful urge that appeared inside driving me to connect deeply with my path and path seekers, with the most amazing women signed up to attend. All these years, I had run from my clients because the emotional intensity of my work was overwhelming, suddenly it is not. Why? Well, my sense is, the She in Me is back. Where did she go? Well, I question, in what I have known, was she ever quite here? She seemed outside, now she feels inside! How could the great turn of the wheel have such a profound effect? Shouldn't this grand cycle take much longer to take affect, perhaps a few hundred years on either side at least? I suppose not. We are changing much faster than I could have every imagined.
I'm glad.
PS~Read the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I will write about it later, I am not finished yet. It took me starting it a few times to have it catch. I suppose all those times I tried to read it were "before" the great turn of the wheel. ( I wasn't ready?!?) It is a book we all should read, those of us who are interested in shifting our programming to something that would be better for Mama Earth, better for Us.
Ok.. Gma is rearing to go, I got to hop on that motor-cickle as Gpa would call it. I'm taking my good byes with me in my back pocket but I am headed for tomorrow land......
