The Great Wheel Has Turned...

"Labradorite is a power stone, allowing you to see through illusions and determine the actual form of your dreams and goals. It is excellent for strengthening intuitions.

Meditate with this labradorite sphere to stimulate your imagination for creative growth, and develop enthusiasm for new projects and endeavors."

Welcome Back to me.. It has been a whole year since I have last visited you here.... Truth is, it was a rather rough year for me... all is well now, but it took me to the darkest night of my soul.  I come to mySelf here born anew. I have shed the veils that kept me perpetually positive. This is my diary here... a place to be free. Freedom seems to be my favorite word recently. It must be my biggest challenge. It is written all over my life. Time to not hold back so here I am. I read today, "life has an expiration date"

So here goes, it will probably not be shocking material I write. Just stuff I don't have anywhere else to share. 

 Have you ever gone somewhere you didn't think you would ever be able to return from? I never imagined it could be so... to be so disconnected, into madness... really. It is hard for me to admit that.. I have spent my whole life trying to appear so normal. Last year was that kind of year of me. How did this happen? Well, a combination of my body not being able to successfully clear my liver after a surgery. Whatever the combination of anesthetic and morphine in my body left me between whirrrrleds. 

It offered some wonderful horrific dark adventures, that dark night. It was as if the sum of my karma would return at around 4am every morning. Looking back it was torture. I would slip between the veils of time. I would relive every death and persecution bestowed on my incarnate soul. I couldn't stop the rewind. It took me deeper and deeper into madness, into a fragility that made my waking hours a trembling..  sleep an impossibility. I went without sleep for 6mos which creates a poor mix with my already taxed adrenals from kundalini since a child and my intuitive gifts that compromise my body chemistry. I felt like the bride of Frankenstein during that period of my life... a poorly stitched together fragile woman, who felt alone and separate from her Creator... I think I felt a damsel in distress. I had always been so strong. Everyone depended on my intuition to carry them through... who carried me? Truth is, I was carried in many ways, but soulfully I was terribly alone. Alone is the best way to wrestle the dark night of the soul. For who can travel that path alongside of you? No one but you. 

Thing is, I know it has been my greatest gift. Until this dark night, I thought that Kundalini energy was my greatest gift of this life time. I remember my back arching in the middle of the night, writhing with sexual energy exploding throughout my body at 4 yrs old.. before I even went to kindergarten. Going into shakes and mystic fits growing up became a natural thing for me to try to hide.. crying in the closets for the pain in the world. I knew too much so young. I remembered co-creating this dimension.. There was no one to relay that kind of knowledge too.. so I pushed it down, crammed it down, it would gurgle up.  It took me to such an adult knowing place at such an incredibly innocent age. Although at any age, Kundalini is something age does not prepare one for.. it was just early on is all. 

Different than Kundalini, my dark night took me to a soulful knowing place too, one where age, time and place, all,  is of no consequence, it catapults you right out of time and into no-time... Where there are no rules. Your mind is fair game. Be you adult or child, there is no maturation that prepares one for this realm. And so it was, I took the ride of my life through the fears and darkness encoded in my cellular DNA of time. A gift to take the cellular memory to the zero point of all creation. The NO TIME. The place where if you can release the attachment to the trauma, you can erase it from ALL TIME.

Illusion born of this dimension is a powerful energy to wrestle. Thing is, I have never been comfortable with this dimension, unless I was in water.  I would have thought before this last years experience if trying to imagine someone "losing it" that all they had to do was will their Self back. Turns out, it is not that simple. I have so much more compassion for people who struggle emotionally.

 I always had a difficult time between worlds. I had a hard time delving into my imagination as child. I was discouraged from thinking anything fantasy was real. Secretly though fantasy world's of Thumbelina were my favorite storybooks. I wonder if I was discouraged from an outside parental source, or just discouraged within? It wasn't until I was doing some consulting work in Kauai where the fairy realm once again open up in my awareness. I was told if I was ever in danger in nature, during that island visit to call upon Lilith-queen of the fairy world. I was walking along a road when a pitbull jumped out in front of me in attack energy. I called on Lilith and immediately the dog became docile as if tranquilized. I was in awe. 

When I went through my 4am episodes of past life rewind during the dark night of my soul. My Essential Self encouraged me to call upon Lilith and her legions in the fairy world.. Suddenly I would see fluttering tiny warm white lights filling my room. The horrific episodes of past life rewind would ensue. It did not tranquilize my fears, but there was an air of protection that I was being divinely guided, that I was protected and safe. I knew what I was experiencing needed to be shed, from the totality of my incarnate Self. Yet I had this comfort, there was a legion of small beings who were linked to me in a very special way over-seeing my inner event. I suppose it brought me peace in a strange magical way.  

I sense I am starting fresh this year. Last year was a Divine Cleansing, a letting go, a transmuting of energy that was outmoded and needed to be shifted into something more useable than being stuck in pain. Looking back, I know I have experienced a gift of transmutation few have yet to realize on that kind of level. A more honest Self has risen from the ashes. I am in the midst of a lot of change. One thing the dark night of the soul seemed to rob me of my ability to be overcome by Kundalini. I suppose some would say that is the gift. Perhaps there is not the resistance in my body that give Kundalini the physical markers it has sexually. Perhaps that is good. I feel a gentle stirring of Kundalini all the time now. It is like a stream of constant energy communicating with Me to allow the feminine in me to find a new more constant expression of her empowerment than I have been had the privilege of embodying up to this life. The world was not ready for us to hold HerOurMy light and eternal grace until the great turn of the wheel. 

The wheel has turned. 

When the wheel turned, I was sitting on a catamaran in Il Foush off St Barth's.. a funny little island that looks like a land before time.. Looking out into the dark water, and the reddish violet rocky land before me, it was as if my Soul had begun a new cycle here on Earth. It felt as if there was once again no time. I thought to mySelf. There have been so many astrological alignments that mean important things and you never feel them, you think you are feeling something now? Do you just really want to so this is so? Because, yes, there was no denying it, I was feeling something. Something had dropped away. I thought.. now all that past life regression rewind for  so many moons last year, and now, right now you feel something falling away?? True I had let go of the pains and traumas, but with all that letting go, I really didn't feel lighter or better- I felt more accepting of how I came into this world, with the uncertainties and entanglements I carried, but different, Nope. And now, as I could hear people stir in the morning hours around the boat, it felt like a strange mix of otherwhirrledly and totally normal with others saying we made it through, the world did not end, in joking terms. Silently, I sat knowing the world was never meant to end... just My world began. The Goddess within me knew suddenly, secretly my world was finally here, I was being birthed right here, right now. Because it was the Solstice of 12/21/12, I am not sure.. I sure didn't feel attached to the date to try to connect it to anything... After all, it is a 26,000 year cycle. In all my sessions with my clients seeking to feel contentment over the BIG DATE, I would encourage, "don't expect much, after all you could be feeling this shift for a couple hundred years on either side of this"... The truth for me in that moment was that, that morning, I was different. I was lighter. A pain had dropped away that didn't have all the fire works and excitement of my dark night of the soul. It just simply was. I was ready. I am ready, for Her, For Me, for the Goddess within to Be the Light of the World as I know it. So here I am. I am back. To talk story as it unfolds. 

Aloha. The breath of Light in Me, Recognized the Breath of Light in You. Namaste. 

Die not on the Inside, Free to Believe...

"Be Yourself, Everyone else is already taken" ~ Oscar Wilde

The best... very best thing you have to offer this world is YOU. This post goes out to all the people hiding under the blankets of someone's else belief systems because the world didn't make it safe for you to show us who you are.. From the bottom of my heart, I offer my sincerest apology that somehow you were sent the message that being anything less than your entire Self was what the world asked of you. Some people have no idea what I am writing about, and to you, I say.. YaY for you.. You are blessed, truly.

Unfortunately there are many who have been taught it was not okay to be you.. You who believes as you do.. you who feels as you do.. you who has many faces of time, space, and dimension... Yes, you. Whatever this life has brought you in circumstances that has contributed to this inhibition in living your life, your beliefs or creations to your fullest and highest expression of Love.. I am here to tell you.. You are Free.. Set yourSelf Free.. Right here, right now, I proclaim release of the chains that bind, hold you back, lock you up inside . If the world, your world can not handle the REAL you.. I promise you this, the Universe will provide you with the support you need to create anew.

If you have been under attack because someone is afraid of your differences from them, whatever those fears can be.. It is a very oppressive energy to spiritually combat. I call this spiritual warfare.. It no longer has to be a battle in anger, fights, verbal squabbles, you no longer have to be a master of avoiding your personal truth .. as much as it seems there is no other way.. there is. For you are always free in your heart, even if your body is imprisoned, no one is captive of your Soul, no one can take captive of your heart unless you give it to them. Your body may be bound, your mind may be heavy laden, your heart burdened, but ...your Soul is always free.

So when you are attacked because someone feels they are somehow protecting their beliefs by influencing yours.. know that although war may be waged against you, your Soul is free to soar.... And if you are LOVE, no matter how unloving, insensitive, or mis-aligned someone can be in trying to "help" by influencing your precious beliefs, ... if there is a way, in this life, your Creator will find a way for you to live what you love, even if the only way you are offered is in the confines of your Heart. The key is not to lose Heart, it is all too easy to let go in an attempt to be practical and safe. But if you suppress yourSelf.. you will find as you may have already found, you begin to die on the inside... Finding this your beautiful blossoms may have already suffered wilting.

The only truth I have ever found to be constant is LOVE. If the energy is not based in love.. differences matter not, in fact are beautiful, if we are focused on that Love...Living that love, why would we ever place our focus on what is different than what is similar? I sense we would be a lot closer to a unified world in peace if we placed our intention towards this end.

So how do I find freedom even though my life circumstances show me I am bound.. or expressing my personal truth causes unrest with the ones I love... How do I act free, live free when as soon as I do, something happens to show me that it is very unsafe to BE MYSELF?

Everyone has different circumstances. Because of this, there is no way to speak into all the possibilities which bind, and how to break free. What I can teach you is some skills which will help support you so you can empower yourself to find the place inside you to begin to feel what truly being free to be you fully feels like....

1. Breathe. Have you ever noticed when you feel shut down either by your own influence or someone else's, there is a pretty good chance you are holding your breath?mmmmmYes, you took the breath in, but did you let it out? Probably not. You most likely held on to it for way too long..and when you finally let it go, you probably let it out in a measly little way. If you want to begin to feel your Essence, feel your personal power and strength, the fastest, most efficient way is to begin breathing deeply, slowly, fully, in and out. You are going to take that in breath, we all do.. but how long does it take you to get around to letting it out, and when you do, how much breath do you actually let go of... This is so key.. Most of us don't come from a cultural background that understood the how vital breath is, not only for opening our energy channels, but for our body's own health. In fact, so true is this for so many of us, even reading the suggestion, most people want to run in the other direction. Breath is your energy fuel. It fuels your life force through your body, it reconnects you, grounds and centers you... Filled with this vitality, you will begin to untangle the webs that bound you in the first place.

2. Move, Shake, Dance. MOVE YOUR BODY. When we feel bound, our energy body creates layers of stagnant energy around our body that inhibit the beautiful essential breath to set you free. When you choose to BE YOURSELF.. that is ultimately the first step toward the intention of truly experiencing the freedom of what it feels like to live Free and BE YourSelf. Fueled with breath, you begin to feel lighter, and often, suddenly look lighter, heaviness leaves your face, bloat leaves your body, one the surest ways to lose weight, is to move your Qi. And you move your Qi with breath, and movement.. I teach a Island Body Harmonics class where our focus is first on breath and second on shaking, moving, ecstatic dancing, letting the body move without feeling inhibition..and you know what? People start to glow! One woman went from a size 20+ to a size 12, in just a few months. Everyone asked her how she lost so much weight.. and she said, "the only thing I have done different is Body Harmonics".. She had so many beliefs from her family she had herSelf all bound up in their expectations, their religious views, their mis-compassionate (misplaced compassion) ideas of how she needed to live her life, she got stuck, and the weight, stuck with her. When she began to breath and added movement, allowing her breath to move through all those "stuck" places, the layers she no longer needed, dropped. Another lady, coming for inner peace, lost 16lbs in the same time frame .. by not setting the goal just to let go of weight but rather to live their truth, loving themSelves... They let their dreams and beliefs become a living breathing energy that took on a life of its own, literally!

Last but not least...

Dream, visualize, meditate, pray. Seemingly different words, intricately linked, as they are rooted in connecting to the highest part of ourSelf in the Divine. Imagine the person you are on the deepest levels, in self love and empowerment, that you have been holding back from the world. No matter afraid you have been over the fall out of allowing your personal perception of what you belief to shine out to the world around you.. Now is the time to bring forward your best Self only you can first imagine yourSelf to be... Dream big and realize the greatness that you are.

Using the healing techniques of breath, movement and visualization, you will find a renewed sense of Self. No longer will anything or anyone that has instilled fear in your unique expression of the all encompassing you, hold you back. Believe in your Divine Right of Freedom.. Thrive on the Inside! The outside will show the miracles of you within...

From my heart to yours~

Ali

Molten Grace

Shrouded are we in layers of experience... veils upon veils... layer upon layers ever so delicately that they have long become so intricately entwined with our ego-ic Self we know not they exist... only that we have become so accustomed to their presence that the god or goddess Self is but a dim memory.

Today in teaching my indoor cycling class I realized that when we reach deep in physical motion... and I mean really deep, something that pushes us to our very limit.. these layers become molten.. When glass is heated, it transforms into the most lovely liquid light. Only to harden again in its fixed form. When we exert our bodies to an extreme, layers peel within us.

At first, it is simply exhausting, but as the physical self integrates the demands being placed upon it.. a resolve sets in. The body gives into the task at hand, and for a time, spiritually it becomes MOLTEN.

I have felt anger and hurt arise in my body when I reach so deep into myself through physical exercise that I feel as if I am melting. In teaching class, especially indoor cycling, I can feel my hardened Self shift as these layers melt away revealing feelings long stored. I see these same changes happen in my students... Often I say, "you are melting" ..and yes, I mean melting fat or melting toxins through sweat.. but I explain that its so much more than this--as I feel frustration build in their bodies or facial expressions...

You see... anger, hurt, frustration, anxiety, low-self esteem are all very real emotions that seem to surface in a simple indoor cycling class. Sometimes I will smile at a student because intuitively I can feel them cussing at me. And later when I ask them, they will affirm that indeed four letter words were running rampant through their head... I smile as I write, yes, at me.. but how great is this? How wonderful that 15minutes of intense exercise can conjure up layers of emotion not easily reached from such a neutral environment.

It is in this place, I discovered how transformative intense physical exertion is for reaching layers of emotion in us that we may not even consciously know are there.

I call this Molten Grace. Where I heat up my body with intense exercise or breath work so extreme, it pushes me through layers of emotional bondage. What lay beneath? GRACE. The most sensual, self assured feminine essence who knows exactly, intimately the powerful being she is...

I question mySelf.. what else is there to pursue except Grace? For in this grace, our Soul love flows through...