The good I am seeking is seeking ME!
Really. Wow. It's true.
I thought I had to go find it. I just have to be it, and all the love, connection, union.. is seeking me. I don't have to do anything, NOTHING. I can just be.
I was massaging someone today, and I had this ahah moment. All my life, I thought I needed to "root" out what I needed, will it, seek it, find it, show up.. And in a moment of exhale, I realized what if I never searched, never tried to intuit what I needed to do to assess how I could find what it seemed my souls searches? And ..there is was... like ripe juicy fruit.. an answer "ali, what would your life be like if you never sought out what you felt you were looking for?" Ummmm... well, I would probably find it .. right.. right.. right here, right? And the answer bubbled up, "Yes". Oh my, I have been doing it all wrong. Darn! I have -- not knowing, not admitting to mySelf that I think I have staged a lot of things... (what is so great is .. I am listening to DREAM WEAVER as I write, how serendipitous)
So.. hmmm .. what am I discovering here is that I do not need to reach. I will be reached, I will be embraced. The good is looking for me, it is going to fly me to the bright side of the moon and it's going to meet me on the other side. What a frickin' relief! What would my life have been like if I wasn't always looking for messages, interpreting things, all good things in their own right I suppose, except it for its hidden agenda to control getting taken care of! Oh my goodness this is great.
My music is asking me to slow dance with it, Lady in Red, is swooning over me so I must go and marinate in my new realization... I have a date with Beauty. Goodnight, Ali my goddess... "nobody here, just you and me. I hardly know this beauty by my side, I will never forget the way you look tonight".
Indeed we are in changing times. Today when I read the morning astrology from my favorite astrologist, I could not help but feel understood. This is collective astrology in this quote, but it shows our boats are turning over, we are dumping the outmoded into the collective SEA of consciousness. Right now so much of the planetary influences are ruled by water. We are jumping into a oceanic intuitive unconscious, less than obvious, trusting that we can no longer do things as they have been done. We need the feminine. We need the unknown feeling waters of trusting our primordial womb wisdom, and yes, I do mean men too.. We all have a primordial womb. It is time to enter the gateway of this sacred sanctuary within our Great Heart of Oneness and explore..
(yes, this dolphin was swimming ahead of me, and I was able to capture the beautiful cresting in the water, so blessed-- I love my watery life)
Here is the excerpt~
"Sealskin. Soulskin. Snakeskin.
Deep feelings,almost beyond words as Luna in Scorpio enters her wisdom phase at the Last Quarter.Don't look for clarity or understanding-that will have to wait until the New Moon In Aquarius on the 10th.Instead,enjoy the subtle magic of Venus/Neptune brings conjuring up intimacy in a sort of spiritual knowing:the realisation of your increasing power of co-creation since October 2012 when Saturn entered Scorpio.Amplifying the Piscean depths,Sedna the Inuit Goddess of the Waters stations exactly conjunct the South Node of the Moon at 22 Taurus.As the archetype of being alone, the outsider rejected by her tribe ,forever searching for her sealskin/soulskin to return to dry land (from the unconscious to the conscious),her conjunction with the South Node of self sabotage and paths wrongly chosen on Caput Algol is the clearest sign yet that this is a turning point of huge importance.
As we transition from the soaring heights of the Water Dragon Year to meet the rising kundalini of the Water Snake,we'll learn express the life force instead of repressing it.Snakes live on the margins,possessing great power,able to shed their old skins.The way forward is to live free and unfettered allowing no one to define us."
My inner wise Self has a message for me that I must uncover.. I have no idea what it is.. let's see Ali where You can take You tonight... A dialogue with My Essential Self.
So You are getting ready to teach this Ho'oponopono retreat.. basically on radical Self Honesty and Alignment. What does that mean to You?
"Well... I think it means that I have never allowed mySelf to fully show up for Me. I have spent a lot of time not fully being Me because my family rejected me on a core level to simply be MySelf. As it stands, in some major ways this is changing. First, I am seeing a lot more love from a family I have been misunderstood by for not sharing their religious beliefs.. and I am no longer involved with some family that has demonized me by simply not aligning with their set of religious dogma. I thought this would be just terrible after all, I had squished mySelf into a familial box-- the ones I thought would most reject me, actually most affirmed me, the ones I thought would most support me, went in a completely opposite polarized position. What did this do? It taught me..is teaching me how liberating it is to really show up and be me. If someone doesn't wish to love me anymore because I am who I am... I am finding a tremendous amount of freedom in releasing myself from those confines. Also, what is amazing, those who I love so dearly who see the harm in what has been done in such separating behavior are co creating with me a whole new paradigm in how we can thrive and co-exist in our sameness and differences. I am getting more real with Me. It had to do with this initial severance of contact with some people I really love, but it turned into claiming mySelf as never before. So even if I never connect with the part of my family again. I feel peace. I feel clear, I feel liberated. I find I don't really wish to be involved with people who have trouble with people who don't believe as they do. I am finding other people's fear was a mirror reflection of my own lack of self worth. I have had a lot of closure in relationships in the past 3mos. It is amazing how astrology can highlight where we are at emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. I read the other day, that I was coming to a time where I would just be DONE with what is outmoded in my relationships. It caused me great fear at first. I was afraid to let go of these wonderful connected relationships I thought I had...At first, I had met some pretty heavy betrayal, then I realized, these schisms are my gifts. These mirrors these souls brought me are helping me to create the value that I have reached with my Essential Self, the kundalini energy that has run through me since I was a child, but there was a disconnect. My Essential Self and my local self had/have trouble intersecting. I feel it flow through me like a river of passion and purpose, only to find in my everyday life, when I need to integrate the two, I carry it for a bit and then lose it. This loss feels like abandonment, or even rejection. Then I feel like my outer experience aligns to rejection in my outer world, even if the world around me clammered after me as their guru, I would find a way to seek separation and rejection from it. I would get high from the kundalini and then sort of crash, high low, high low, high low. These highs and lows became my normalcy. Up and Down constantly, with a smile on the outside. I was looking to be let down. Amazingly, I am so loved, but I would find that person, experience,..whatever to abandon me. So my family has been a good mirror."
Ok, I have no idea what I just wrote there, but I am not going to reread. Let's go deeper. So in a nutshell, you have some big shifts going on right now. How is that working for you?
"I am trying to dig deeper into my own facade. I am asking myself what is REAL. I am really asking the Universe to show me the people and circumstances that wish to support me and my journey. My chart explained how thinly I stretch myself out to care for the needs of others. I can see, it is a distraction from myself. I have not allowed myself to rely on people save a very few. Seems some of those that I have relied on are dissolving, making it clear that being supported by them is a dead end. And others are appearing. It is really quite lovely actually. I applaud those that can not show up and are straight about it and I am ecstatic how the Universe aligns support within our own structure, also, bringing in new opportunities to ask for help and receive. Tonight was a weary night. I was exhausted. I am not very good at saying YES to offers. My best friend is also my biz partner, I walked home late, dark wet night, as I got into the house, I thanked her for standing by my side through our rather challenging day. Expecting fully to go to bath and bed. She asked me to dinner, every part of me wanted to say NO Thank You. Instead I saw the opportunity for support, that I would have usually turned down and obliged. I had the best dinner with her. An old friend, who is 85 cooked us a meal, I even drank wine which tasted amazing. We were spent, I walked home musing my YES to life, my YES to my needs being met, to someone reaching out for me. I had grown uncomfortable with support. It made me feel vulnerable. A wave of support has come into my life in some huge ways as far as wombmen gifting me in assistance to my upcoming retreat. But tonight was as gentle caressing Yes, let me feed you--just that, a meal, conversation and I didn't even do a dish, which I know sounds naughty but I was not allowed and I let myself receive. So tonight, I felt my higher Self checking in with me on these changes. And I know my ramble is for me alone, no one will probably ever read these words.. but I have hidden from my words.. so much so I lost my ability to let that higher voice speak to me. Although you are not pouring through me as in years past, I can feel your trickle and I want you to know... I am here. I feel you run through my body. I feel you tell me who I am. I remember what you have told me I already am. Somehow I lost the joujou for a little bit. I can feel it, I can feel the sensuality seeping through as it has in the past, but I want to break the damn... ask the beavers to build somewhere else for now.. and just let the river flow to the ocean of ME, my great I AM. So I am going to just come when I am called. Maybe I will write nonsense, maybe I will just sort out old outmoded local self things, maybe I will let my sensuality flow freely... Deeply underneath the mask of Alison is a wombman who became unsafe to be who she really is. So who is She? Well, I know she is kind and creative, I know this. But she let herself become the shape of the container someone told her she needed to fit into.. She believed it! Time to thaw out. In that thawed out state, will I spill out all over the place, will I lose all sense of boundary, will I merge into everything, lose where I end and other's begin, goodness I hope so. I must break free. I must become the watery self that I AM. So here goes....
