What does it mean to just Float. To Be. Effortless. 

Inside the realm of your connected Self lies the answer. 

"my dearest daughter, I write to you from the heart of Love. This is You in your eternal place of beingness that you reside. When you fear, come to me, feel my Essence blossom within You. Forever I have known you. Forever will You Be. You are a daughter of the Sun and Moon, light and dark, void and created. 

So you ask of you task in Knowing Me? And I turn to you and caress gently your face, my lovely beloved blossom, your task is to fill your Essence with the connected of Me. Where there is no without, only within. 

Seek to be widdled down to your Great Heart. Why do you fear my sweetness, what are you afraid to see? Do you not know you are Perfect. Forget not my loved seeks out all your channels and eddies. There is no stone unturned. There is no pebbled unpolished by my love. 

Let me take you with me again under the Sea. The realm where I am most revealed unto you. 

Feel the effortless floating beauty of nothingness. Feel the stillness as you are moved by the currents within. This is you, this is me, this is the wedding of the electricity of Father Sky, Mother Moon. The Great Vast Void spiraling towards the Great Central Sun.. Come float with me unto the stars, moons, planets.. Where there is no breath, just the breathing of All Creation. 

You remember the beginning, Yes. You remember the Great Turn of this World, and you have just experienced the Great Turn again. The veils have dropped and you are naked. 

You were afraid to be naked before Me so recently. Remember this shift. Grasp it and hold it close to your heart. For soon enough a new forgetting will occur. The forgetting of separation. 

Separation had it's purpose and was not without it's gift to You. 

So in the forgetting and the separation, now you feel the beginning of a new wave of Kundalini. 

This sensual charge is not so lonely as it was, grasp this. Own that you know this, so you can accept what it was you felt was apart from you. 

Feel the feeling rise through your core, at your root, at the gateway in your primordial womb, the bloodline from which you have come.. Seek you. 

Feel the security of the warmth of the ALL as a blanket of coziness. Now nuzzle into this comfort. You are the womb of the world and yet the WOMB of THE WORLD holds you.. how can this Be? It is one and the same. What is within you is without you. When you rise out of the Sea, feel the warm embracing air dry you off with the same love the wetness of the Sea engulfed you. You need both. You are a goddess of Land and Sea.. You need the shelter of the masculine Earth to support, and uplift you.. and you need the wetness of the oceanic Water to reveal what is yet to be seen, to ignite your intuition and your knowingness. Begin to visit me again, and again. You will see I never left you. You just needed sometime to allow Me to flow through the keyboard to you once more. I will not find you only in your bed, in trance and meditation. I am right here in the ether of your meditative travels offering you vision and wisdom, and right here as I was so many moons ago, offering you my Words, Your Words.. thank you for allowing me to remind you that I am right her to write through your hands in this blessed way. 

Infinite Love. "

Taking my goodbyes into tomorrowland....

That's my Granny! ~ yep, really.

(Metaphorically it's Me)

This new year has had a lot of good-byes. It's funny. Good-byes aren't easy for me. I am the kind of person who often gets hurt by good-byes. I know not everyone does. In fact, lots of very healthy people I know are quite good at it. Some people even are excited about good-byes as their is an element of change and growth around the corner. I suppose I am really good at timely good-byes. (Well I am in the process of integrating this, and to make it true, I am writing it out loud, winks) Ultimately, it's understanding that all good byes are timely. I think even when you don't think you are ready, for whatever reason, it is what life brought you, like it or not.. Life knows what is best, I suppose. 

My resistance to good-bye could be a resistance to change. And so for that reason, embracing the lesson of good bye is probably much needed. In some of my recent good byes, I am seeing more of mySelf.    Instead of just wandering off into the feeling, I am bringing the feeling a little more forward into beingness. I am allowing what I would dream about to become Me in a way. For that I am grateful. While immersed in the feeling, I was a bit frozen, like a doe in the headlights. Why did deep spiritual feeling "freeze me"? Well, I suppose over a millenia, I got desensitized to going so deep, perhaps it wasn't even physically safe for me to do so in my past?... So I became detached from mySelf in a way, when my Spirit would pull me deep into my own recesses.   I got caught here for years. While frozen, it became difficult for me to write. Years ago, before this blog in which for the most part I was frozen. I welcomed the gift of automatic writing to pour through me. Divine Feminine would pour through my fingers in a sort of secret blog in a diary on my computer. I was new to computers back then... I foolishly back then was afraid of the words so foreign to what anyone I knew would understand in me, I deleted my precious writing. 

I have spent a lot of this life inside of stuck. I never gave mySelf permission to be me FULLY.  I don't know why exactly. I felt like I was inside the gel of a tomato seed that I just could not penetrate. It may seem cliche, but the great turn of the wheel as I call it, the Winter Solstice of this last year seemed to break open this seed for me. 

As the dross dropped around my ankles recently, I just was less afraid. No matter how it sounds, I was afraid to be persecuted for being Me. It sounds utterly crazy. However, this energy was so deeply embedded in my cells, it did not have to make sense for me to understand it. It simply was. Some people might think me stuck on the merry go round of past lives. Indeed, I concur. I went through a melt down dark night of the soul as I was taught you call these things, back from my Catholic days describing where St John of the Cross went in his darkest hours to find the Light of his beloved which I sense in his belief system was Christ. In my terminology I would refer to as the Christ Within. This happened over the course of last year, and I appropriately ended this year, with a very uneventful veil drop-- the fearful energy just left. One day it was there, in fact, one morning it was there and by mid morning, it was gone. Interestingly enough, on the Winter Solstice no less.  How is it one can be freed from a kind of prison of fear, only to find, it just leave? I dunno.  So grand goodbyes like the ones this year is bringing~ Just gone. As this new year begins, situations and people that matched that  fear, seem to be exiting... like it or not. Not them like it or not, they just left, me like it or not, accept, embrace, make peace. 

It's odd. Suddenly things are easier. My clients are responding to me differently, not so polarized with the essence of wanting to be saved, wanting answers, wanting me to do the work-oh boy, yep, that dastardly mirror! Joyously, they are embracing more than ever, exploring their own path, and I just get to assist. Removing mySelf from knowing into sharing, wowza! I am responding to my clients differently. I am not as guarded. I have more time. I have better boundaries. Creating seems easy. I have this incredible retreat upcoming that I planned on a whim- a wonderful urge that appeared inside driving me to connect deeply with my path and path seekers, with the most amazing women signed up to attend. All these years, I had run from my clients because the emotional intensity of my work was overwhelming, suddenly it is not. Why? Well, my sense is, the She in Me is back. Where did she go? Well, I question, in what I have known, was she ever quite here? She seemed outside, now she feels inside! How could the great turn of the wheel have such a profound effect? Shouldn't this grand cycle take much longer to take affect, perhaps a few hundred years on either side at least? I suppose not. We are changing much faster than I could have every imagined. 

I'm glad. 

PS~Read the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I will write about it later, I am not finished yet. It took me starting it a few times to have it catch.  I suppose all those times I tried to read it were "before" the great turn of the wheel. ( I wasn't ready?!?)  It is a book we all should read, those of us who are interested  in shifting our programming to something that would be better for Mama Earth, better for Us. 

Ok.. Gma is rearing to go, I got to hop on that motor-cickle as Gpa would call it. I'm taking my good byes with me in my back pocket but I am headed for tomorrow land...... 

The Great Wheel Has Turned...

"Labradorite is a power stone, allowing you to see through illusions and determine the actual form of your dreams and goals. It is excellent for strengthening intuitions.

Meditate with this labradorite sphere to stimulate your imagination for creative growth, and develop enthusiasm for new projects and endeavors."

Welcome Back to me.. It has been a whole year since I have last visited you here.... Truth is, it was a rather rough year for me... all is well now, but it took me to the darkest night of my soul.  I come to mySelf here born anew. I have shed the veils that kept me perpetually positive. This is my diary here... a place to be free. Freedom seems to be my favorite word recently. It must be my biggest challenge. It is written all over my life. Time to not hold back so here I am. I read today, "life has an expiration date"

So here goes, it will probably not be shocking material I write. Just stuff I don't have anywhere else to share. 

 Have you ever gone somewhere you didn't think you would ever be able to return from? I never imagined it could be so... to be so disconnected, into madness... really. It is hard for me to admit that.. I have spent my whole life trying to appear so normal. Last year was that kind of year of me. How did this happen? Well, a combination of my body not being able to successfully clear my liver after a surgery. Whatever the combination of anesthetic and morphine in my body left me between whirrrrleds. 

It offered some wonderful horrific dark adventures, that dark night. It was as if the sum of my karma would return at around 4am every morning. Looking back it was torture. I would slip between the veils of time. I would relive every death and persecution bestowed on my incarnate soul. I couldn't stop the rewind. It took me deeper and deeper into madness, into a fragility that made my waking hours a trembling..  sleep an impossibility. I went without sleep for 6mos which creates a poor mix with my already taxed adrenals from kundalini since a child and my intuitive gifts that compromise my body chemistry. I felt like the bride of Frankenstein during that period of my life... a poorly stitched together fragile woman, who felt alone and separate from her Creator... I think I felt a damsel in distress. I had always been so strong. Everyone depended on my intuition to carry them through... who carried me? Truth is, I was carried in many ways, but soulfully I was terribly alone. Alone is the best way to wrestle the dark night of the soul. For who can travel that path alongside of you? No one but you. 

Thing is, I know it has been my greatest gift. Until this dark night, I thought that Kundalini energy was my greatest gift of this life time. I remember my back arching in the middle of the night, writhing with sexual energy exploding throughout my body at 4 yrs old.. before I even went to kindergarten. Going into shakes and mystic fits growing up became a natural thing for me to try to hide.. crying in the closets for the pain in the world. I knew too much so young. I remembered co-creating this dimension.. There was no one to relay that kind of knowledge too.. so I pushed it down, crammed it down, it would gurgle up.  It took me to such an adult knowing place at such an incredibly innocent age. Although at any age, Kundalini is something age does not prepare one for.. it was just early on is all. 

Different than Kundalini, my dark night took me to a soulful knowing place too, one where age, time and place, all,  is of no consequence, it catapults you right out of time and into no-time... Where there are no rules. Your mind is fair game. Be you adult or child, there is no maturation that prepares one for this realm. And so it was, I took the ride of my life through the fears and darkness encoded in my cellular DNA of time. A gift to take the cellular memory to the zero point of all creation. The NO TIME. The place where if you can release the attachment to the trauma, you can erase it from ALL TIME.

Illusion born of this dimension is a powerful energy to wrestle. Thing is, I have never been comfortable with this dimension, unless I was in water.  I would have thought before this last years experience if trying to imagine someone "losing it" that all they had to do was will their Self back. Turns out, it is not that simple. I have so much more compassion for people who struggle emotionally.

 I always had a difficult time between worlds. I had a hard time delving into my imagination as child. I was discouraged from thinking anything fantasy was real. Secretly though fantasy world's of Thumbelina were my favorite storybooks. I wonder if I was discouraged from an outside parental source, or just discouraged within? It wasn't until I was doing some consulting work in Kauai where the fairy realm once again open up in my awareness. I was told if I was ever in danger in nature, during that island visit to call upon Lilith-queen of the fairy world. I was walking along a road when a pitbull jumped out in front of me in attack energy. I called on Lilith and immediately the dog became docile as if tranquilized. I was in awe. 

When I went through my 4am episodes of past life rewind during the dark night of my soul. My Essential Self encouraged me to call upon Lilith and her legions in the fairy world.. Suddenly I would see fluttering tiny warm white lights filling my room. The horrific episodes of past life rewind would ensue. It did not tranquilize my fears, but there was an air of protection that I was being divinely guided, that I was protected and safe. I knew what I was experiencing needed to be shed, from the totality of my incarnate Self. Yet I had this comfort, there was a legion of small beings who were linked to me in a very special way over-seeing my inner event. I suppose it brought me peace in a strange magical way.  

I sense I am starting fresh this year. Last year was a Divine Cleansing, a letting go, a transmuting of energy that was outmoded and needed to be shifted into something more useable than being stuck in pain. Looking back, I know I have experienced a gift of transmutation few have yet to realize on that kind of level. A more honest Self has risen from the ashes. I am in the midst of a lot of change. One thing the dark night of the soul seemed to rob me of my ability to be overcome by Kundalini. I suppose some would say that is the gift. Perhaps there is not the resistance in my body that give Kundalini the physical markers it has sexually. Perhaps that is good. I feel a gentle stirring of Kundalini all the time now. It is like a stream of constant energy communicating with Me to allow the feminine in me to find a new more constant expression of her empowerment than I have been had the privilege of embodying up to this life. The world was not ready for us to hold HerOurMy light and eternal grace until the great turn of the wheel. 

The wheel has turned. 

When the wheel turned, I was sitting on a catamaran in Il Foush off St Barth's.. a funny little island that looks like a land before time.. Looking out into the dark water, and the reddish violet rocky land before me, it was as if my Soul had begun a new cycle here on Earth. It felt as if there was once again no time. I thought to mySelf. There have been so many astrological alignments that mean important things and you never feel them, you think you are feeling something now? Do you just really want to so this is so? Because, yes, there was no denying it, I was feeling something. Something had dropped away. I thought.. now all that past life regression rewind for  so many moons last year, and now, right now you feel something falling away?? True I had let go of the pains and traumas, but with all that letting go, I really didn't feel lighter or better- I felt more accepting of how I came into this world, with the uncertainties and entanglements I carried, but different, Nope. And now, as I could hear people stir in the morning hours around the boat, it felt like a strange mix of otherwhirrledly and totally normal with others saying we made it through, the world did not end, in joking terms. Silently, I sat knowing the world was never meant to end... just My world began. The Goddess within me knew suddenly, secretly my world was finally here, I was being birthed right here, right now. Because it was the Solstice of 12/21/12, I am not sure.. I sure didn't feel attached to the date to try to connect it to anything... After all, it is a 26,000 year cycle. In all my sessions with my clients seeking to feel contentment over the BIG DATE, I would encourage, "don't expect much, after all you could be feeling this shift for a couple hundred years on either side of this"... The truth for me in that moment was that, that morning, I was different. I was lighter. A pain had dropped away that didn't have all the fire works and excitement of my dark night of the soul. It just simply was. I was ready. I am ready, for Her, For Me, for the Goddess within to Be the Light of the World as I know it. So here I am. I am back. To talk story as it unfolds. 

Aloha. The breath of Light in Me, Recognized the Breath of Light in You. Namaste.