learning to lean into Grace...

... Sweetly stretching my nose out toward a Rose is much like what Striving for Grace on the Inside feels like to me... and now when I say striving or stretching is when I am experiencing a need for alignment on the inside, divinely so.. a remembering really of what I am in Love... how I am created as Perfect.. which my personality sometimes muddles up momentarily... for when I am aligned, no stretching or striving is needed... It simply Is...

I really didn't have a relationship with the religious definition of Grace I learned early on in my formative years.. It wasn't that I agreed or disagreed.... plain and simple, I couldn't relate.... perhaps how it was presented in word alluded me... I am not sure why that is.. and the "why" of why Grace took some time to resonate in me in a way that I felt passionate about its pursuit could have been as simple as timing. ... or not so much timing as It presenting itSelf in a way that I so deeply connected with, any other traditions definition no longer mattered because it began to speak Its unique language in my Soul in a way I sense I was destined to understand.....I suppose how I interpreted Grace as child was something holy beyond simple me and outside my realm of experience.. later I realized while yes, holy as It is, its holiness is something very much part and parcel of who I am on the deepest of levels.. in fact my limited perception of how to thrive in its constancy being my only interruption from its flow, in me, through me, in a way.. It is indeed, creative life force, a kundal vibration... One thing I know for sure, when it began to come upon me, it did so in such a sweet understated way, with such fullness it filled me, I thought that if I accomplished nothing else in my life.. the pursuit of Grace would suffice. I am a being of Love, but it is with Grace that I awaken to its bounty.

I noticed in my early 20's, the notion of Grace began to dance like a beautiful sinewy fabric blowing gentle in fragrant winds like a muse inviting me to co-create. It felt like waves billowing up through my body of something that felt very feminine, very self assured, grounded, but most of all, Loving. It was not something I was polished enough.. or aware enough to invite... It is something that seemed to visit me all of its own doing, many times I thought of how I wished I could beckon it on request.. which certainly is within my realm of possibility... but could I find a way to help navigate it through my energetic pathways in greater constancy? What I began to realize is that Grace billowing through is as far as I could tell, directly linked to Self Love. As my path to remembering the Love that I am expressed itSelf in more knowing ways.. so did my relationship with the Grace within me grew...

I believe each of us has a calling... no matter how simple or ornate. Sometimes our inner alignment to this passion becomes both, Simply Ornate. For me, my inner calling has been a beckoning to know the Grace within Me. It feels this grace inside me is divinely Feminine. The more I marinate in Its Essence, the more I realize for me, indeed It is Divinely Feminine. In fact, the more I basked in Its sweetness.. the more I had thoughts of the Divine Feminine Essence.. Mother Goddess.

In my meditations, I realized since I was a young child, I silently wondered about the Divinity of God. Why was there only a Father God? Actually, I did not wonder too much because my insides told me that someday, I would figure this out.. odd for such a young person's pondering, my insides spoke volumes to me about union of the Divine, Mother and Father, Beloved Counterparts, wedded in Union.. mirroring nature and balance, Sun and Moon, Light and Dark, Love and Fear.. opposing elements which mirror each other in Balance... I remember being five years old and thinking about Divine Union..Ascension.. not grasping at all what I could possibly be trying to understand.. or why these thoughts would pass through my mental processes.. they seemed so random.. they seem to come with conversation.. thoughts with answers.. that seemed to come from somewhere else... who was answers my thoughts.. and where did these thoughts I didn't even understand come from? I began to realize my brain seemed to work differently than everyone else's. Fear of being different and standing out in this way was something which fanned a fire of insecurity in me. I had to find a way to be normal.. Looking back, I see that Grace was finding Its way to me through my spiritual gifts of knowing, hearing, feeling and seeing in some wonderful ways.. but these attributes made me different in a world where I very much wanted to appear the same as my peers. I began at an early age, to regulate its natural channels through me.. fears began to settle..as I realized in many ways I was very different.. I looked for ways I could appear the same....

So as these thoughts came through, I remember thinking, is it normal for me at five to think about such things.. I am not sure why I knew it was not normal.. but I knew it was not normal.. or maybe I knew it was not normal because something in me knew the difference between grown up thoughts and kid thoughts.. and certainly these were not kid thoughts.... I definitely could not talk about these thoughts with my sister a year younger than I.... it was like I had two conversations going on in my head simultaneously at all times.. Later in life, I would understand this as normal for me, even an attribute I valued, but as a kid, this was really difficult to integrate. I remember thinking why am I wondering if this is odd for me to consider this at my age, thinking it odd even that I wonder, it was as if some kind of Oversoul within me was navigating my thoughts as to be thinking simultaneously about Barbie dolls and deep spiritual matters.. having passing thoughts that would override my playful thoughts about dimensions, life after death, alternate realities, even bio-location, you get the idea.. Suddenly, something would interrupt these mind wanderings taking me back to the thought of playing with my Barbie's, again questioning why I would think such things but never being able to focus on its complexity for long enough to question my outer world about it any further.. like incredibly deep thoughts that would soon dissolve into nothing I could remember after it drifted away.... From this very young age though, I began to realize that I would sometimes have to try very hard to appear normal because I soon realized that my sister who I spent a lot of time with... and other children I played with.. did not question such things.. I began to integrate this behavior as something that might be weird or wrong with me, I tried to focus on not allowing it to interrupt my thoughts.. even though I could not stop it, I could ignore it to a certain extent.. I learned how to master allowing both conversations to exist in my head..also, I was raised Catholic and a lot of what I was thinking about seemed to differ from what I was taught was so.... I actually had awareness around my perception of my limitations being a child, not knowing much about anything, and simultaneously pondering the Universe in ways that I knew were odd for a child my age. I never wanted to share this side of myself with the world because I instinctively knew I had this immaturity in my communication...what seemed like a sudden forgetfulness to continue or develop or process these thoughts on a deeper level.... I realized I had no idea how to convey my thoughts for when I went to communicate them, it was as if a giant eraser wiped them out of my mind. I could think about anything I wanted, but I rarely had cognitive memory directly afterwards of almost anything I thought about when it came to this sudden knowing of things-- I seemed to know, and then forget it as if it was never postured in my mind... In someways this carried over to my everyday thoughts as well.. and I had to work on my developing a better recall in what would travel though my mind cognitively.. I had an uncanny memory in someways, and in others, I think I fell way below normal... When I was a child, I had a difficult time remembering what I just read if I read a book... audio memory was fantastic, sight memory pretty darned good.. but simply remembering what I had just learned, super poor at times--which scared me so I would work extra hard to not fall behind...

Denial of my personal Grace probably started with denial of my spiritual gifts as a child, fear of being different -- probably a karmic fear -- which would hinder my ability to love and accept mySelf .. The Universe was gently revealing itSelf to me in uncanny ways early on.. It took me a long time to answer Its Calling so my journey into Grace had to seep through in waves as it found windows in my Energy body to present itSelf... It would be Many Moons before I could realize that surrendering my will over to the Will of the Divine was going to be my personal invitation to beseech Grace to reside in Me...

What does all this have to do with how one reaches their nose into the scent of a flower.. or comparing the sweetness of a blossom to Grace? For me leaning intoGrace is something I strive for...part of how I lean into it is by embracing the places where it came to greet me, but in essence, in fears, I denied its sweet rewards. When we deny our unique individuality, we deny ourSelves a part of our innate value that Self Love brings. Grace travels to us via the highway of the Love that we embrace that we ARE... it reveals through a feeling I am connected to when It flows through me.. It is the most feminine energy I can describe, much like an unassuming flower that is so indescribably perfect by simply embodying what IT is.. that is it... Yet, enveloped fully in this energy, I tap into All that Is. And although I first felt its waves of femininity in my 20's, I realized the knowingness it brings came to me as a little child who was first beckoned to remember Divinity is Masculine and Feminine Counterparts.